Local nutritional therapist Amber Silverman offers her top tips
After more than 12 years as a nutritional therapist, working with a whole host of children (and parents), along with 20 years of motherhood, I wanted to offer some insights into what I’ve learned around key areas of parenting around food.
Fussy – this is a catch-all word that sounds like a huge problem we need to resolve, and a term that in my experience parents use to explain a lot of other things away.
Fussy, in context, can be appropriate. There is a developmental phase between 2-6 years of age (and again as teenagers) when children are looking for more independence. They are beginning the process of separation from parents, and food is often the easiest thing for them to control. This picky eating is a phase that will pass if you let it.
What I have noticed which may allow fussy or even unhealthy eating to take hold is parents whose resolve may be less strong than it used to be as a result of working more, less time with the kids, financial pressures, increased social demands, heightened comparisons, and the ubiquitous advertising of processed foods.
Nevertheless, despite it being normal for kids to question your parenting, to say no to food that they once loved, to push back and challenge us, it is our job as parents to remain steadfast and uphold boundaries we think are important. Because when boundaries around food become blurred we allow this phase to take hold rather than peter out.
Every family has their nuances around family life but when I’ve been into households with ‘fussy’ kids, more often than not this is about how the parents are parenting around food rather than ‘fixing’ the kids.
That being said here are five key tips and tricks I would suggest if you are struggling with parenting around mealtimes:
1) If you are parenting with someone else make sure you are on the same page – that is absolutely fundamental. Kids are super clever and will pick up on underlying conflicts that they can use to their advantage! You need to discuss strategy and stick to the rules you create together.
2) Give kids choices so they feel in control. This is age dependent, and may be as simple as “do you want a cheese or tuna sandwich for your packed lunch today?” If they are young give two choices, both of which YOU are happy about, ie not “jam or cheese sandwich”. As they get older you can have more complex choices and get them more involved in meal planning.
3) Get kids involved with food. Shopping and cooking can be fun with kids. The more they understand food and feel comfortable with flavours and textures the better.
4) Don’t talk about food at mealtimes. You can talk about food before mealtime – you can discuss what is for dinner, you can say, “I can’t decide whether to have broccoli or peas tonight, what do you think?” But once you are sitting at the table, DON’T TALK ABOUT THEM EATING.
Mealtimes should primarily be a place to enjoy each other’s company, to share your day, to help your kids’ emotional development. They need to see you talk about how you feel so they can learn to share their feelings.
But if you are anxious about what they are eating, if you are upset with them or your partner, if there is tension around food and mealtimes the kids will feel the energy, they will play on this and they will fuss at mealtimes. So however you are feeling inside, the majority of the time, at mealtimes you need to put on a show.
5) Snacking: a lot of kids are never actually hungry for a meal because they are eating so many snacks. If you are bringing significant snacks to school or nursery pick up it this could be the root of the issue and is worth reassessing.
There is so much underlying expectation at mealtimes. We have spent our valuable money on food and our limited time on cooking, so when it is rejected we can feel rejected ourselves, which can turn into frustration and upset. But we have to keep our cool if we possibly can – we need to help our kids negotiate this natural developmental phase of independence and separation and not allow it to flourish and grow into seriously fussy older kids.
We are all trying to do our best and can get caught up with life so lack the energy to fight the small things which don’t seem huge when kids are young, but from experience I know those can grow bigger with bigger kids.
My belief is that our job as parents is to ensure our children have a healthy relationship with food and a broad and varied diet, so nipping things in the bud is well worth doing. Take back control and create boundaries that you can work with and that you are comfortable with. Kids need some boundaries, but they also need choices, so it can be a fine balance.
If you are struggling and need support, I help guide parents around the nutrition of their families, parenting around food, ideas and strategies about how to deal with ‘fussy’ kids. Get in touch if you want support and especially if you and your partner are on different pages.
I have written a book Recipes By Amber available as an app, from Apple or Google app stores with 94 recipes for every day. These are tried and tested, family-friendly recipes, many vegetarian and gluten free, written for clients over the years and collated into a ‘shockingly useful’ app which will always be with you, helping when cooking and shopping. The premise of each recipe is that it is Simple. Delicious. Nutritious.
Amber Silverman has lived in Tufnell Park for 20 years, working with children, teens, women and families around all aspects of health and weight. Nutritional Therapist, Dip. CNM for over 12 years. Certified Coach: Life Coaching & Emotional, Behavioural Psychology.